Surviving Teen Dating Violence

It's estimated that every 9 seconds, an American woman is assaulted by someone who once claimed to love her. Every day, at least four women die at the hands of their husbands or boyfriends. And studies say one in four women will be beaten or raped by somebody they know. In fact, domestic violence sends more women to emergency rooms every year than car accidents and muggings combined.

These are numbers security expert Gavin de Becker knows all too well. Still, he says there's one segment of the population severely underrepresented in the statistics—teenagers. "Teenage girls are the most victimized members of the population in America—not only the most victimized, but also the least likely to report," he says. "That combination is terrible because it means we can't even get our hands around the statistics of how many young girls are subject to date rape, to violence, to abuse of all kinds."

one of the stories :

At 16, Johanna and her boyfriend Juan seemed like the perfect match. The pair met in second grade and began dating in high school. "He was not only my boyfriend, but he was my best friend," she says.

Johanna says she never imagined her relationship would turn into a living nightmare. Three months into dating, Johanna says, Juan's behavior changed drastically. "He was very jealous. I couldn't even talk to certain girlfriends. He was very jealous even when I was around my family," she says. "I couldn't wear certain things. I had to cover my body. He had made me change my schedule so we had at least two or three classes together."

Juan even took away the cell phone Johanna received from her grandmother. "Every night I would have to give it to him," she says. "He would take it home with him."

Quickly, Juan's jealousy turned to violence. "He would hit me and beat me 'til I couldn't breathe anymore," she says.

When friends saw him push her into a locker, Johanna tried to say they were just playing around. "It [was] the shame of admitting that he was hitting me," she says. "He was the guy I loved and the guy I did everything for and everybody knew I cared for."

After two years, Johanna decided she'd had enough. "When I said, 'I just don't want to be with you anymore,' I remember him hitting me," she says. "A straight punch in the stomach, and he was, like, 'You're not leaving.'"

Wanting to avoid a face-to-face confrontation, Johanna ended the relationship over the phone. He threatened to kill her, but she says she didn't take him seriously. "I didn't think he had it in him. So I just ignored it," she says. "I thought deep inside he still did love me even though he did beat me and even though he did insult me in so many ways and threatened me."

One week after their breakup, Johanna awoke to find Juan knocking on her window. "He said, 'We need to talk. We need to work things out. I love you,'" she says. "I just said, 'Juan, I'm sorry. I can't.' And I just closed the window."

Juan persisted. "He just kept pounding louder and louder and my brother's room was next door to mine and I didn't want him to wake up." Though her gut told her not to, Johanna let Juan in. That night, Juan raped Johanna.

By saying 'yes' and allowing Juan inside, Gavin says Johanna said 'no' to herself—a symptom of a dangerous cultural problem. When a woman says no, Gavin says, it's often perceived as the beginning of a negotiation. "Expressing things with certainty—in that way that men do—sounds more powerful," he says. "A lot of women in this culture talk with question marks at the end: 'Yeah, I want to?'...So there's a lack of certainty allowed in this culture."

Juan was sent to jail but released after only four days. "He was on house arrest, and I didn't know," she says. "Then I found out he was on work release and he kept stalking me and he called me numerous times. He was always around me."

Gavin says stalking situations like Johanna's happen every day. "She needed a lot of help at that time and didn't get it from law enforcement, from courts," he says. "So now he's out and he's on supposed house arrest, an ankle bracelet which, of course, is not arrest at all. That's looking for somebody's cooperation."
When leaving home one morning, Johanna says, she couldn't shake the feeling that someone was watching her. "When I got in the car, I just told myself, 'You're just panicking. You're just being anxious.'"

Then, Johanna saw Juan standing with a shotgun. "When we locked eyes, I had chills. Once he took that gun out, I mean, my heart dropped," she says. "I knew I was going to die. I just knew something bad was going to happen."

Juan shot Johanna in the face, leaving her to fight for her life in the driveway.Though she survived, her lower jaw was destroyed, and Johanna has had nine surgeries to repair her face. "They took a bone out of my leg and they made me a complete new jaw," she says.

Juan was sentenced to 27 years in prison for rape and aggravated attempted murder. He is not eligible for parole.

Gavin has one important message for women who can't escape an abusive ex. "You cannot do it alone and don't have to," he says

wow...i guess relationship are different for each people. obviously, i don't want this one..


from Oprah.com

posted by Maqeba Ifadha